Love is Louder

I’ve been struggling with mental illness for three years now. It sucks and there are some days I don’t have hope. Thankfully today is not one of those days.

Today I feel the support of my sisters. Today they give me strength and hope.

It’s a beautiful thing to know you are not alone in the world. While I hate knowing other people suffer as I do, it also brings me comfort. It brings me comfort to know I’m not making it up and this is real. It brings me comfort to know that other people understand. It brings me comfort to know that other people have survived this so I can too.

Today was Depression Screening Awareness Day. Reach out for support if you’re suffering. Even if you don’t seek professional help, confiding in friends or family can bring you comfort, and might even bring you a step closer to recovery.

Love is louder than the struggle that many face every day due to mental illness. I know what it’s like to fight a battle in your head every day. Reach out and talk to someone. And remember you are loved. 

September Favorites

September has been such a long month and thinking back on it I can’t believe how much has happened. It flew by with ups and downs. I haven’t had a moment to rest because it’s been so crazy. Over all, I would say September has been a pretty good month.

Here are some things I’ve been loving in September!

-        Kate Spade Planner: this has been so helpful in keeping my busy schedule organized. I keep my life in here honestly!

-        Tutu’s: I may or may not own three… They are fun to make and even more fun to wear, especially on bid day!

-        Laura Mercier Eye-shadow stick: In the color rose gold this has been perfect for easy everyday eye make-up and looking cute on special occasions.

-        Topshop dress: This dress was so much fun to wear at the rehearsal dinner for my cousins wedding and I’ve gotten so many compliments.

-        Netflix-White Collar: I have been re-watching White Collar this month and I love it just as much as I did the first time I saw it.

-        DryBar: I got my hair blown out and curled for my cousins wedding, and I absolutely loved the results! This was such a fun place to go get my hair done. 

Can't wait to see what October has in store!

Remake: When will my life begin? (Disney's Tangled)

Original Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je4nDvNJXsg

7 AM, the usual morning lineup:
Turn of my alarm and brush ‘til my teeth are clean,
Wash my face, get dressed, and scroll through instagram
scroll again,
And by then
It's like 7:15.

And so I'll make some toast or maybe cereal
I'll add a few more books to my backpack yeah
I'll make a list and sit, and wait and basically
Just wonder when will may day begin?

Then after class it's homework and lunch, and tumblr
Ukulele, a bit of ballet and nap
facebook and youtube, procrastination
Then I'll stretch,
Maybe rest,
Watch netflix, chat a friend!

And I'll reread my notes if I have time to spare
I'll make some more notecards, I'm sure there here somewhere.
And then I'll sit and sit, and sit and sit in bed
Stuck in the same place I've always been.

And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin', and wonderin', and wonderin'
When will my day begin?

Tomorrow night the lights will appear
Just like they do on Fridays out here.
What is it like out there where they glow?
Now that I'm older, I really don’t want to go.

My Story

The first day I consciously stopped eating was January 12, 2013. I was a junior in high school and my mom confronted me about dating a girl. I was nowhere near ready for that conversation or for what would happen afterwards. A whole mess of stuff happened but that was the day I purposely decided not to eat because I felt worthless.

Prior to this day I had frequently skipped meals, and maybe someone wiser than I would have picked up on my restrictive eating patterns, but I never saw an eating disorder coming. I was very fortunate to have the right friends in my life at this time. My closest friends intervened before things got too bad. I still struggle with body image issues practically every day, but I don’t often resort to restriction anymore.

With the eating disorder came the kick start of my anxiety and depression. I feel like I’ve always had a little bit of this in my life (depression and anxiety run in my family), but it didn’t really start affecting me until my junior year. Junior year this only affected me in terms of eating. Same with the first half of senior year. Honestly things were getting better. I had relapses but they were having less of an influence over my daily life.

Then came the break up.

March of my senior year of high school my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been dating for a year and a half and this destroyed me. I took it as bad as you could possibly take a break up. Then a month later my dad attempted to kill himself. He lived, but still to this day the memories from that night and the words from his suicide note haunt me. Everything all became too much to handle and I made myself numb. Numb to my feelings and numb to life.

The thing about feeling numb is it can’t last forever and my best friend warned me of this. It didn’t stop me though. I was numb the whole summer before freshman year of college, first semester, and a few months into second semester. It was around a year after the breakup and I realized that I was having feelings again. All sorts of feelings I hadn’t experienced in so long. I had a silly crush on someone and I felt true happiness at first, but it wasn’t long before all the painful feelings that I tried to cover up came flooding back.

That’s when I cut myself for the first time.

I had always been afraid of cutting myself. I had spent many nights my junior year of high school lying in bed and knowing that cutting was an option. But I always held myself back. I was afraid. I was afraid of the pain and seeing the blood. So not surprisingly the first time I “cut” I didn’t really cut. I remember being in such a haze that night, but I picked up a safety pin and I scratched at my arm. That fucking hurts. And it stings more afterwards than cutting does. After a couple times of scratching, I felt like it wasn’t enough. I took a blade to my left hip and it became an addiction very quickly. I have stopped before, but not very successfully. I think the longest has been a month. I’d like to say I’ve been clean for a while now, but that would be a lie.

My depression and anxiety has gotten worse in college. On days like today I feel an absolute nothingness to the world and my depression consumes me. On other days I can’t get out of bed because anxiety cripples me. Not every day is bad though. Good days still exist. There are still things to look forward to, and new memories to be made.

That is my story. It’s not finished and neither am I. 

Theta Bid Day 2015

Recruitment is finally over, which means I might get to sleep tonight! While I am happy to have some time to breath, I’m a little excited that it’s all over. My sisters and I practiced 6 hours Monday-Friday for three weeks. And it all came down to one weekend that was full of excitement, laughter, hurt feet, tears, hunger, and love. It was hard and fun at the same time, and I know for a fact it was worth it.

Yesterday, my sorority welcomed 74 new sisters to our chapter! 

I was bouncing with energy, the whole day was so exciting. And it was filled with a multitude of cute pictures!

Through this whole process I have become so much closer to my sisters. On preference night, as I was telling my Theta story I came to this amazing realization: my Theta story has only just begun and I have so many more memories to make with my sisters. I can’t wait to dance the night away at Black and GΘld, I can’t wait to become closer to my sisters during our retreat, and I really can’t wait to get my little!!

Seeing the sisterhood exhibited over the last few days has made me fall in love with Kappa Alpha Theta all over again. Theta is my home, and that’s pretty amazing. 

20 of My Favorite Quotes

1.      “Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.” –JK Rowling

2.      “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” –Walt Disney

3.      “Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.” –Coco Chanel

4.      “To live will be an awfully big adventure.” –Peter Pan

5.      “We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already. We have the power to imagine better.” –JK Rowling

6.      “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new.” –Socrates

7.      “Practice reckless optimism.” –Hannah Hart

8.      “I don’t want fear of failure to stop me doing what I really care about.” –Emma Watson

9.      “You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you; you are not damaged goods because of the mistakes you’ve made.” –Taylor Swift

10.   “Females are strong as hell.” –Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

11.   “What? Like it’s hard?” –Elle Woods

12.   “I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.” –JD Salinger

13.   “Bitches get stuff done.” –Tina Fey

14.   “The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.” –Captain Jack Sparrow

15.   “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” –Theodore Roosevelt

16.   “Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow.” –Mushu

17.   “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” –Jack Canfield

18.   “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” –Roald Dahl

19.   “Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.” –Jules de Gaultier

20.   “Write drunk, edit sober.” –Earnest Hemmingway

Moving Back to College

I moved back into college this weekend. The drive wasn't bad and neither was unpacking all my stuff. 

I have so many mixed feelings about starting this year like many of my friend. I’m excited, anxious, happy, and stressed. It’s a lot to take in. And unfortunately the negative feelings are overshadowing the positive ones.

I have been looking forward to moving back to college since I went home for the summer in May. I’ve missed my friends, I’ve missed my independence, hell I even missed classes. And I’m still excited about all of those things. But now that I’m here there is so much to worry about.

First off I’m very introverted. Which I’m fine with, but it can make living at college a challenge, especially the first week back. The first week back everyone has missed school and friends so there is a lot of socializing and parties. I’ve been here two nights and I went out to party on both nights. I miss my friends and drinking just like everyone else; however, it’s been a lot for me to handle and it’s been giving me anxiety.

Then there is the fact that classes start tomorrow and I feel extremely unorganized. Because I just moved in to a new building so the new setup isn’t familiar yet and I have no idea where all my shit is. It makes me feel unprepared. Just more stress.

I’m trying to not let those feelings control me because I really want to have a good year. It’s just hard.